As hard as it might be to believe, I still have a handful of friends who do not own a cellphone. And I sometimes envy them.

I may have mentioned in this space that I am a fairly recent convert to the Church of the Mobile Phone. I started carrying one a couple of years ago on the premise that if I ever have another heart attack, I might be conscious long enough to dial 911 from wherever I happen to be when I drop.

Last year, more than one billion phones were sold around the world and it has been estimated there are about three billion phones out there now. As we close in on seven billion souls populating Mother Earth, it obviously won’t be long before everyone has a mobile in their purse, pocket, poke or sporran (where else would a Scot tote a phone?).

It makes me wish I had begged, borrowed and stolen as much as I could 25 years ago and invested it all in cellphone stocks.

I am from the generation that believes a phone is for conversation. The digital darlings of today, however, use their mobiles for a multitude of tasks and conveniences, stuff of which I never dreamed. It has been said that today’s basic cellphone has more computing power than the gear aboard the 1969 lunar lander. I’ll buy that.

Even the most basic cellphone contains a phone directory, a calculator (mine also has a tip calculator for those math-challenged diners who can’t work out 15 per cent in their heads), a dozen different, mostly obnoxious ring tones, an appointment calendar, and a clock. I have met a few people who stopped wearing a wristwatch once they strapped a phone to their belts.

You’re probably aware those features only scratch the surface of cell capabilities. It’s an answering machine (if only I could figure out how to access my messages), plugs in to what used to be a cigarette lighter in my car, and can be activated by simple voice commands (Me: ‘Call home.’ Phone: ‘Did you say Call Homer?’).

If I had the time and inclination, I could play games on my phone, rather than having the phone play games with me as I struggle to make it work.

If the sound of another person’s voice was something I couldn’t stand, I could send them a text message for a couple of bucks. My feeling about that: text this!

Phones allow us to surf the Internet for the pleasure of viewing stuff on a minuscule monitor. We can watch movies in the same manner. Need to check your e-mail right now, this instant? Whip out and unfold the phone.

Want a photo of cousin Zeke’s new grandbaby? Catch a glimpse of Goldie sunbathing at her Muskoka mansion? Dial up an image with your camera phone. Ditto for video. You can even conduct a video teleconference.

If your cellular comes complete with a DAP (that’s digital audio player for you neophytes … your kids know it as an MP3 player), you can download your favourite tunes and have your phone plugged into your head 24/7.

If you’re lost about now (I admit to being hopelessly lost when trying to use some of this technology), perhaps your phone has a GPS receiver, which will help you find yourself.

Your phone has become your PDA (personal digital assistant) and you probably can’t imagine how you got through the day before you had one.

If you haven’t made the plunge yet, you should realize resistance is futile. The cell business is so competitive, you can negotiate yourself a free phone, provided you sign a long-term contract. So get yourself a cell-mate with a Bluetooth wireless accessory, clamp it on your ear, and prepare yourself for assimilation into the Borg collective.

And let’s not forget how important, indispensable and completely nuts you will look as you talk to Casper the Ghost.