A friend in need is a friend indeed … a loyal amigo laughs at your not-so-funny jokes … a constant chum welcomes your 3 a.m. telephone call … only a bosom buddy tells you when you have something green peeking from your nose.

If these axioms ring true for you, then you have the good fortune of knowing at least one true-blue pal.

I have made lots of friends in my lifetime (and by good fortune, or luck, have lost only a few).

Lately, I have been giving some thought to the qualities required by someone whom you choose to be a friend.

Everyone needs a friend who has a pickup truck. When I lived on Vancouver Island 30 years ago, there was no shortage of potential friends. If I needed a truck, I could count on having dozens available in five minutes. In Barrie, I am fortunate that my friend Rick will not hesitate to drive my junk and me to the dump or help me haul my snowblower to the repair shop with his pickup.

You should also look for a friend who has tools and knows how to use them. Sure, lots of “friends” will lend you a router, but if you don’t possess the Mr. Fix-it gene, what good is the tool to you? A perfect pal will come along and do the work.

If you were otherwise occupied when God was handing out the good looks, you will require a friend who sometimes tells you that you look marvelous, even when on your best day, you resemble a hideous troll. Disregard the fact that that friend may be visually impaired.

It never hurts your image to have a friend who is a celebrity, or who has a cool, important job, if for no other reason than to boost your ego when you can boast, “Ya, sure, the police chief’s a good friend of mine, and he says ….” or, “George (as in Clooney) invited me to the film festival party next year.”

Having a friend who is a doctor is excellent for two reasons – first, MDs qualify as people with important jobs, and second, in these times of doctor shortages, you might actually be able to ask for a second medical opinion and not have the doc laugh in your face.

Find a friend who doesn’t whine when you tell her she’s the designated driver this evening, and you have a friend worth sharing.

A friend who has a bigger beer locker than you improves your image when you both belly up to the bar. The same rule applies to women, only in reverse. Ladies can perhaps use a friend who has teeny, tiny ta-tas, which can contrast nicely with their moderate magufees while on a double date.

And while it may put a strain on your ability to maintain a friendship, it is important, as you age, to have a friend with more ailments than you. They can make you feel young and healthy at the same time, even though you may be gobbling a handful of meds every day to keep you alive.

As I have no pickup truck, can barely manipulate the few tools I own, and have never been to medical school, I realize I may not qualify to be anyone’s friend. But I will gleefully tell you if you have a visible booger. With friends like me, you won’t need enemies.

Women may not agree, but I have found it worthwhile to have at least one friend who is a total goof, a guy with no social manners, an obnoxious boor, mentally a few clowns short of a circus. Ideally, the guy should always need a shave, wear torn jeans, split runners and a stained T-shirt with something dirty printed on it.

If he is never without his beer-logo ball cap and sniffs constantly while scratching hidden parts of his anatomy, so much the better. I won’t identify my redneck friend, but whenever I feel I need a few brownie points added to my relationship scoreboard, I invite him over to the house.

It’s at those times my spouse believes, for a few moments, that she actually made the right decision when she said yes all those years ago.

It has become a cliché, but if your best friend isn’t your spouse, you’ve got some ’splaining to do.